[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
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Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
me and my fake scenarios
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
moms in horror movies
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.