Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
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It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
#dalle2
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.