I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
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I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
There are usually two types of merchants.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End