I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
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Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.