Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food