I never know how much to tip a cow.
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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”