excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
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Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Morning my dudes.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
very niche meme I made
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs