If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
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Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]