My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
This is I, Robot all over again
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.