I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ