Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new