Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
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man: wait
time: no
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
This came to me in a dream.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I