Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.