My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Sorry not sorry.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I put the hot in psychotic.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow