My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
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If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Smooooooth
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.