Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
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i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.