I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.