[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed