GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
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Well, this is awkward
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!