“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
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DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.