Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
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just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.