i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot