My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Most fashion shows these days…
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.