“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder