You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Oh thanks BBC.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.