Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
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1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Just why bro?!
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.