My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
You Might Also Like
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
lol
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.