[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.