Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*