Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
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my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Just grow your own
The “baby” on the left….
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.