STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
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My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Mood.. 😂
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
That’s incredible! 👌
when there are deer in the woods
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed