When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
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Realize this:
Whoa 😂
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.