Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
You Might Also Like
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
motivation
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.