I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
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Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
“I’m helping” 😅
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”