The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”