[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail