I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
english majors be like furthermore
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened