Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
bugs when you lift up a rock
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG