Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.