Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Well well well…
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.