the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2