My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
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Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.