Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST