The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.