[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
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[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.