There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
*lint rolls you awake*
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible