Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
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Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
This is my favorite one of these!
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.