Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
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First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*jazz hands*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.