Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
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Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.