Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
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Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
bias laundering edition
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy